by Kim Goff-Crews

Imagine you’re standing in front of 200 people upset about an incident in the local high school. The situation is serious, intense, and there are probably gaps in information on all sides. Imagine you’re arguing across the conference table with a long-time colleague on an opposing side of a project you both feel strongly about. You’re trying to negotiate an important difference with someone you care about deeply.

We are in a cultural moment where we are more polarized than ever, and the process of finding common ground and reconciling competing opinions can feel impossible. And it often becomes our responsibility as leaders to listen, acknowledge, validate, be accountable, and find a way to move forward together. But, as a leader trying to help a community or organization navigate change or moments of stress, how we listen is an indispensable skill. One of the most challenging aspects of leading, listening, and being open to change is being receptive to the opinions of others in high-stress situations without taking them personally, especially when you face direct criticism of who you are as a person or what you represent.

So how do we listen openly and fully without letting these opinions stick to us? Practicing listening without taking it personally takes time, experience, and repetition. Below are some of the tactics I apply in these stressful moments.

1. Separate your ego from the conversation.
   Even if you become the target or the face of the issue, it’s often not about you but something much more complex or abstract. When critics get personal, the dialogue has probably veered from productive conversation. Recognize that you may not be at the center of the issue, but you can have the power to move the dialogue forward by de-escalating its intensity. By setting aside how their statements make you feel, you can try to get the conversation back on track toward deeper understanding and appropriate action. Judicious use of humor, deflection, or more often simply acknowledging the emotion you are sensing from them can help relieve tension and remind both parties that we are all human beings dealing with serious situations that sometimes feel beyond our control or comprehension. We can’t get anywhere by taking things personally or directing criticisms at individuals instead of at policies, events, situations, or behavior.

2. Listen carefully. When it’s your turn to speak, repeat back what you’ve heard.
   When you feel defensive, it’s easy to start thinking about what you want to say next instead of listening to what’s being said right now. By focusing on listening only and synthesizing what you’ve heard and learned, you can show that you are devoting your attention to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. In situations where multiple people are sharing different viewpoints, synthesizing and repeating back their main points can help show you’ve understood the basic themes. Only then should you begin explaining your perspective and how it may overlap with or differ from theirs.

3. Ask more questions. Don’t assume you know the answers. Clarify what you don’t understand.
   Show genuine curiosity and an eagerness to learn and understand, and follow up with questions that prompt a deeper conversation or generate ideas. Clarifying questions can help bring new details to the surface that may explain why the situation became so tense. As a leader, you’re demonstrating genuine curiosity and acknowledging you don’t have all the answers—but someone else might have great ideas or insights worth hearing.

4. Share what you need to share. Acknowledge what you do not know. Discuss what happens next.
   Once you have fully listened, absorbed, echoed, and sought clarification, you may have the opportunity to share your perspective and identify where there are areas of agreement or discrepancy. Acknowledge what you do not know and that there are always limitations on what a single person can know or experience. This is also an opportunity to dispel erroneous assumptions and bring everyone into a shared understanding of the problem based on all the information brought forth. The way you deliver this message is essential—as Adam Grant says in Think Again, don’t be a preacher, prosecutor, or politician. If there are next steps and opportunities for further dialogue, review of solutions, or opportunities for accountability, sharing what you know and need to learn more about can help keep the conversation focused on possibilities for resolution.

These techniques for being a better listener prevent the situation from becoming more tense and foster conditions for productive dialogue, accountability, and action. None of that can happen when there is no trust established. To the untrained listener, handling critical opinions can feel like a personal attack. Leaders who practice separating their egos from opinions, synthesizing what they’ve heard, and asking relevant and genuine questions can show they are good-faith actors committed to improving themselves and the circumstances however they can.